Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
