I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
