Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
