god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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