Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
