they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
