I think I died a long time ago.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
