I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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