will power is for people who don't want to get laid
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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