i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
My ass is underappreciated
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
