She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
