just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
