I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I stole a fireplace last night.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
