fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
