you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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