Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
he fucked my hip out of place.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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