Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
