she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
