He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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