he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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