I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Randomize
