her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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