Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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