Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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