i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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