I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
