Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
