oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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