Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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