member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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