I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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