Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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