I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
i've created a new STD.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
