You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
