fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
They are going to name an STD after you.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
