a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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