paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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