roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
