It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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