I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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