I hate your face
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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