i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
