Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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