did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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