Soap is not a condiment
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
