mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Dicks are not precious.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
