My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
