I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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