The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
