i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
this just has baby written all over it
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
