I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
