Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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