the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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