i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
